self-centring: embracing the controversies of our internal cosmos

This week, Greece was hit by the snowstorm Elpida; numerous areas of the country were blanketed in a thick, white essence, creating a breathtaking vision for those who dared to wander out in the cold. Whereas the problems that were caused were infuriating, even dangerous, my edit for today chooses to focus on what can be gained rather than forfeited: during certain experiences, a positive perspective can accelerate self-centring, helping immensely our embracing of the controversies of our internal cosmos.

Intending to lose no chance for immersing into a deserted landscape, I decided to set out for a midnight walk after the first white layer. My companions for this ride would only be mechanical: my audio recorder and my camera. After clicking some stills, I felt like talking. This is a habit I have always had internally, but have been working on externalising for a while now. In the following passage are some depositions in present tense, as these were captured in the spur of moment:

“I am all alone outside, and even though the world looks beautiful, its beauty feels somewhat scary. This is one of these moments that one sees the majestic nature, realising how much more serene and beautiful the world is without humans. That is always a sad realisation: on a personal level, it just scares and troubles me how happy I feel when nobody is around. Could this be related to fear, meaning that I am afraid more of humans than I am afraid of nature? Perhaps.

There are still some characters around, though, nuancing further my experience. I just passed by a broken tree that had cracked in two, burdened fatally by the weight of snow on its branches; the air smelled of raisin; it was intoxicating, I loved it. Humans are scarce; there are only young people outside; men to be exact. Against all odds, I also came across a runner and congratulated him for his commitment and courage; he didn’t reply; maybe running was absorbing all his energy, leaving none to spare for courtesies.

Wow; this imagery is beautiful. I love this promenade. Needless to say, I am overall thrilled with such otherworldly experiences; it might have something to do with adrenaline, I don’t know. I just feel profoundly alive. This might be my inner self calling, manifesting a need to keep my animal instinct alive. This is an integral part of my identity. It is impossible to ignore the animal within me, and frankly I choose very consciously not to. One should never do that. Yes, that is why I really crave such kind of experiences, that cultivate a connection with this part of myself.

Funny how everything is connected as we grow older and ideally wiser, only to discover how we had all the answers to what really mattered ever since we were kids. The moment I stepped outside the house I felt like a child, remembering a lecture of John Cleese on creativity and how it should flow freely, unobstructedly, filterlessly, same as it happens when we are kids and free of inhibitions. A friend had share this video some days ago, and the actor’s words stayed with me. That was precisely the feeling that I had when I was just absorbing all this white reality like a thirsty sponge. It felt so good! It made me realise that this parenthesis I feel I am into might not be a parenthesis at all; what is life than a set of successive parentheses? Period after period, we move forward, even if we fail to realise this progression in real time. For what it’s worth, during this period I have been taking some time off, to awaken, I think, this filterless part of me that has been dormant for, I don’t know, probably years. Ha, I can hear my sister saying, “you are filterless enough, don’t worry”. Not quite yet sister, not quite yet.

Oftentimes, I am brutal with myself, thinking that it is inconceivable for people of my age to take a break and spend a significant amount of time with their parents. In the context of aggressive capitalism, of milestones and achievements according to which I was conditioned, my current state sounds like a complete failure. Outside this forced, westernised craze, exists a different kind of reality that for me just feels natural in the most effortless way. Unquestionably, family is a great source of power and inspiration for me and I feel that repairing this bond by working intensely with my family, will ultimately help me accept myself’s most controversial traits. It is imperative that I create this kind of dynamic that I am obviously missing.

This process is already helping me tons on the journey of self-discovery, deepening my understanding of my individuality and potentially nearing self-greatness. Just being here right now, recording these thoughts, some years ago would sound completely obscene. Not anymore. I really feel this is effortless, or at least I feel too comfortable doing it. Having spent a significant amount of time feeling uncomfortable under my own skin, this is a highly deemed, fresh sensation. Definitely, I would not abandon that breakthrough easily. Oh my, this cold is delightful! Invigorating, inspiring, enchanting. Funny, I really don’t want to go back home, as I am enjoying myself immensely out here. At the same time, I feel that I don’t want to overdo it and push myself to the limits. Also, my phobic parents will be super-worried about my whereabouts. Maybe I shouldn’t care about that, but unfortunately, I still do.

How long have I been talking?! In the absence of another human being, I feel that I have levelled internal monologue to multi-dialogues, reconciling seemingly antithetical facets of my existence. I guess this is what it means to gradually become your own best friend, no? Somehow, yes; at least, this is how I feel, and I am certainly enjoying this process. How can one ever feel left out if their internal team is their core team? At the same time, how can one ever feel close to another human being if nobody can get close enough to access the core team? Another classic dilemma to fry our brains with.

Funny how long these dilemmas have been around. Today, I found a script of mine, I don’t know, like almost a decade old, written in the same essay-style and tone of voice as the edits; little by little, it becomes more and more evident that this deposition is not just a fad. Nothing random here, I have always been writing, or to put it best, even in the absence of pen and paper I have always been observing, documenting, analysing, iterating. This eidetic process has always been not just with me, but within me ever since I remember myself. It only makes sense that I am really curious to see where it could take me.

Surprisingly enough, this is precisely what I like about this period of my life: I would not exactly call it uncertainty, but unpredictable fertility: possibilities are finally endless in a non-stressful way, allowing me to focus on the thrill of exploration and potentially deliver countless creative births. This new approach of the previously terrifying unknown, which doubles as a redefinition of productivity, enthrals me: suddenly the world feels like a place where anything is possible.

I have never felt like this, not even before going to Milan. It is unbelievable how much I have changed through these past 4-5 years. Actually, no. This is so unfair. With all sincerity, I have not changed, but centred. As time goes by, I feel more me than I have ever felt before, learning to silence the absurd, unstoppable self-labelling of my conditioned self. As time flows within me, I get closer to my core of existence and ostracise conditions.

Wow, I am almost here, back home, literally and metaphorically. I feel so lucky to have witness this spectacle, this light, this silence. What is it about silence that seduces me that much? If I had to answer, I think that silence makes me pay more attention to my surroundings, ultimately making me more aware of the countless details that usually get sucked in the vortex of noise. Speaking of noise, I think enough words have been spoken for tonight. PS: I wish I could set up a shower with hot water in the middle of the snowy landscape and just be able to bathe myself in this light, in this chill, thick wind. What a poetically beautiful controversy would that be! Needless to say, I am living for these idyllic moments. Over and out.”

In the heart of any winter, lies the genesis of a forthcoming spring. Learn to appreciate the embryonic cold, teach your resistance how to hibernate while you approach the core of your existence, and ultimately love you for your controversies: this is the spring you have been waiting for, it has been with you for your whole life. Have a lovely Sunday.


internal literature

self-parenting: igniting a foundational spiritual spring, liberalvirtue

external literature

Radical acceptance, Aeon

Change becomes you, Aeon

Connected-up-brains, Aeon

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